Then again -

- this is probably what I'd get instead of "Best of Jenna Jameson":

A little girl who thought she was getting an iPod for Christmas ended up getting a rude surprise — the iPod had been replaced with a bizarre note.

The note reads in part "Reclaim your mind from the media shackles."

And where did this purchase come from?

Jay Ellis, the girls father, returned the iPod to the Wal-Mart store where he purchased it. The store manger told him that another customer returned an iPod with a similar issue.

What's the deal with Wal-Mart (or as I like to call it, "The Bad Place") these days? Are they just lucky? Did I miss Weird Customer Appreciation Week or something? (Though given personal experience I'd say that they have that 52 times a year, actually.)

Why can't I ever be this lucky?

Hmm, maybe I have to re-evaluate my policy on not shopping at my previous employers:

Now Daryl Hill wants to know why an MP3 video player he bought at a Wal-Mart in Sparta was preloaded with pornography and explicit songs.

Hill bought three of the players as Christmas presents for his children. He said one of the devices had apparently been returned to the store from a previous owner who loaded sex clips and songs with lyrics about using drugs.

"Within 10 minutes, my daughter was crying," Hill said Thursday. "I wish I could take the thoughts and images out of her head."

Well, obviously the only thing you'll be able to do with her now that she's been contaminated is take her out behind the barn with your shotgun and Do The Honorable Thing.

(NOTE: This is to be considered humorous snark and not a real recommendation to Mr. Hill to blow his daughter's head off. Cripes, 10 whole minutes of ickiness? I'm sure she'll get over it, there, Chucko.)

Hill questioned why Wal-Mart Stores Inc. would sell used merchandise as new, which he said violates its own policies.

A company spokesman said in an e-mail to WSMV-TV of Nashville that stores are not supposed to return opened packages to the sales floor and that the matter was under investigation.

"Violate their own policies?" Oh, bullpeters! I know damn well from personal experience that Wal-Mart has a foul habit of slapping tape on already-opened boxes and slapping same boxes back on the shelf. C'mon, people - why the hell do you think their stuff is so cheap? Partially 'cause they play sleazy games like that. (Also partially 'cause they pay their employees pshitt wages, but that's another whole rant.)

I suppose it could be worse - it could have had been pre-owned by a CIA guy from Iraq and had torture videos on it. But lord knows that wouldn't be as damaging to a young psyche as people bumpin' uglies and singing about mary-joo-wanna, nossiree.

What a nice Saturnalia/Candlemas present!

And it's even from the yahoos at FAUX:

ROME — The church where the tradition of celebrating Christmas on Dec. 25 may have begun was built near a pagan shrine as part of an effort to spread Christianity, a leading Italian scholar says.

Italian archaeologists last month unveiled an underground grotto that they believe ancient Romans revered as the place where a wolf nursed Rome's legendary founder Romulus and his twin brother Remus.

A few feet from the grotto, or "Lupercale," the Emperor Constantine built the Basilica of St. Anastasia, where some believe Christmas was first celebrated on Dec. 25.

[snip]

In 325, he convened the Council of Nicaea, which fixed the dates of important Christian festivals. It opted to mark Christmas, then celebrated at varying dates, on Dec. 25 to coincide with the Roman festival celebrating the birth of the sun god, Andrea Carandini, a professor of archaeology at Rome's La Sapienza University, told reporters Friday.

In deference to the festive season I will forego my snark on this subject - no comments about "get your own damn holidays" or anything.

But you see what I was getting at in my last post. It's not as clear-cut as the Martins and O'Reilly's want you to believe.

Let's get religious now

Oh, I just love when Christians start whining at this festive time of year:

(CNN) -- This whole push to remove Christ from the Christmas season has gotten so ridiculous that it's pathetic.

You may recall Mr. Martin as the guy who back in August requested the demihuman squatter in the White House to act like John Wayne. THAT went well, didn't it?

Anyway, back to the festivities:

Because of all the politically correct idiots, we are being encouraged to stop saying "Merry Christmas" for the more palatable "Happy Holidays." What the heck are "Seasons Greetings"? Can someone tell me what season we are greeting folks about?

Oh, that fookin' PC tripe again. Fetch that sal volatile, Hazel, someone said "Happy Holidays"! Lordy lordy lordy why don't you people just kill Jesus all over again?!

Of course, having actually dealt with people of mixed religions, I can attest it's VERY potentially uncomfortable to say "Merry Christmas" to those of the Jewish faith. And what do you DO when you don't know someone's religious affiliation or lack thereof? Assume they're a Christian? Hell, I guess that's Mr. Martin's default position. Let's defame other people's religions so as not to offend the Christians, I guess.

A Christmas tree? Oh, no! It's now a holiday tree. Any Christmas song that even remotely mentions Christ or has a religious undertone is being axed for being overtly religious. And I'm sorry, forget X-M-A-S. Malcolm X? Yes. X replacing Christ? No.

I love it, I tell you. 'Cause, you see, your blog author, lil' pagan that he is, seem to know more about Christianity at times than the people who do aforementioned whining.

Like the fact that Christmas trees are likely a holdover from German/Norse winter celebrations, the fact that that awful, evil "X" is nothing more than the greek letter for "CH" (as in CHrist) and in fact has a long history of standing for the entire word "Christ", and I'm sure as hell hearing plenty of Christmas music mentioning Jesus/God, so I don't know what he's on about that.

But this seeming backlash against Christianity is bordering on the absurd, and we should continue to remember that Jesus is the reason for the season.

Of course, there's more than a little controversy among Christians themselves about the date of Christ's birth, but hey - could Charlie Brown be wrong?

What if families decided to forgo gifts, and instead, used their shopping days giving back to those in need? What if more of us went into our closets, grabbed old toys and clothes, repackaged them, and provided them as gifts to those without? Instead of gorging on food, what if we used some of the dough to feed those who are in need? What if we blew off those gift cards to electronic retailers and signed up with Networkforgood.org, and gave someone a gift card to their favorite charity?

Well, you've got a good point there, other than the fact that the American economy would probably collapse. Of course, the folks over at Adbusters, way ahead of you, have been all over this idea for the last fifteen years, but hey! They're a bunch of evil Commies who're, in the words of a CBS spokesman back in 2000, "in opposition to the current economic policy of the United States". Associating yourself with anti-capitalist subversives, Mr. Martin! For SHAME!

Myself? Thanks to the crappo American economy, I'm probably going to build a fire in the fireplace (after I clear all the crap out from in front of it), pop some popcorn and watch the MST3K version of Santa Claus. And I hope Mr. Martin has a merry Christmas, for what it's worth.

Jeez louise, can I get you two a napkin or something?

Two *ahem* oral personalities wax lyrical over the man who should have been Time's Man Of The Year instead of that icky Putin guy:

"You know, he imprisoned his political opponents. There have been a number of highly suspicious murders," Romney said on Beck's radio show. "He has squelched public dissent and free press. And to suggest that someone like that is the Man of the Year is really disgusting. I'm just appalled."

"Clearly General Petraeus is the person, or one of a few people, who would certainly merit that designation," the former Massachusetts governor added.

Rival presidential candidate John McCain also said Wednesday he disagreed with the choice.

“I noticed that Time Magazine made President Putin the Time Magazine ‘Man of the Year,’” McCain said, according to NBC. “I understand that probably, but my man of the year is one Gen. David Petraeus, our general who has brought success in Iraq.”

Oh, my! Such a manly man cannot be denied! (And I bet he smells nice, too!) Nay, sirrah! MAN OF THE CENTURY, if not ***MAN OF THE GODDAMN TOTALITY OF HUMAN HISTORY!!!***(read that line as if it was said by James Earl Jones)

Seriously - how long do we have until the inevitable calls for Petraeus as Vice President, if not Glorious People's Leader For Life? (I'm cruisin' to get my ass censured by the Senate as it is, so I'll be glad to work on making his Enemies List before the fact...)

New blog to read!

I realize this may not appeal to everyone (not that everyone reads my insane meanderings to begin with, some people have taste :P, but there you are) but I have a new favorite blog in the whole wide world:

Your Pharmacist May Hate You

Fun from the happy pill room! Adventures in (mis)managed health care! Crazy retail customers! Hate mail!

Even if you have no idea how to pronounce "fluticasone propionate", much less what it does, you'll appreciate the writing. And it's all 100% true (at least from my lil' experience on the other side of the counter).

Getting what we deserve

Hi, and greetings from the great state of South Carolina, where we evidently believe the fact that a man has a nice smile is reason enough to turn the reins of state over to him:

The survey suggested that Huckabee's personality was among his strengths. In particular, he tops the list when likely GOP voters are asked to name the candidate who is most believable.

Oh, goody, 'cause that kind of philosophy worked oh so well last time around. I mean, how different is this, really, from "the candidate you'd most like to have a beer with"?

American elections: double the campaign time, one quarter the content!

Stupid

Hey, let's listen to the exiles!

WASHINGTON — Twenty-one commanders of the Iranian Revolutionary Guard Corps are the top scientists running Iran's secret nuclear weapons program, says the man who exposed Iran's nuclear weapons program in 2002.

On top of that, the U.S. National Intelligence Estimate published last week saying Tehran shut down its weaponization program in 2003 failed to mention that the program restarted in mid-2004, said Alireza Jafarzadeh, an Iranian dissident and president of Strategic Policy Consulting.

The scientists working on the alleged civilian nuclear centrifuge program are IGRC commanders, said Jafarzadeh, who was providing a list of names to the press on Tuesday. But their intention is not a nuclear energy source for civilians.

Goody, just what we were crying for - a new Achmed Chalabi! Hey, let's set this guy up to be the President of Liberated Iran. Worked so damn well last time.

Get the feeling they're really really trying to find some excuse to start a new war? 'Cause the last one just ISN'T FUN ANYMORE, I guess.

Evil

This is what evil is, folks:

"According to the former agent, waterboarding of terror suspect Abu Zubaydah got him to talk in less than 35 seconds. The technique, which critics say is torture, probably disrupted "dozens" of planned al-Qaida attacks, said John Kiriakou, a leader of the team that captured Abu Zubaydah, a major al-Qaida figure.

Kiriakou did not explain how he knew who approved the interrogation technique but said such approval comes from top officials. He did not witness or participate in the waterboarding, he said.

Evil isn't the moustache-twisting Snidely Whiplash who ties Teh Heroine to the train tracks and skulks away chortling viciously.

Evil isn't HAWT NEKKID CHIXXORS where tender young minds might see them.

Evil isn't "The Golden Compass" and people expressing a reservation or two about the absolute benefits of religious belief.

Evil isn't wishing someone "Happy Holidays" (no matter what Bill O'Reilly thinks).

Evil sneaks up on you on lil' satanic cat feet, suggesting that violating people, oh, MIGHT WELL be necessary every now and then For The Greater Good. So they didn't get hurt - much. Not on the outside, anyway. So they thought they were dying? Boo-yah, we saved some lives, maybe. Let's do it some more, we'll save some more lives!

What's next? Homosexual rape? Hell, as LONG AS IT DOESN'T KILL 'EM, if it saves lives - of course!

Cutting off limbs? What's a limb or two on a FANATICAL TERRORIST KILLER as opposed to saving lives?

Kill them? Well, if it's necessary, of course! You wouldn't want INNOCENT LIVES put at risk by these EVIL MEN, would you?

Hell, maybe their way of thinking poses a threat. Wouldn't the world be better off with fewer of THOSE PEOPLE running aound making trouble?



Next thing you know you're being escorted past a big pile of corpses and being asked by the occupation forces why the hell you didn't SAY something for god's sake.

I remember back, just after 9/11, when Reasonable Liberals were telling us maybe, just maybe, torture was now justified. Not that they expected anyone to use it, of course! They were just making an intellectual arguement for its use, keeping it on the table as it were.

And where are we now? A "debate" on "harsh interrogation techniques". Pussyfooting around the fact that waterboarding is torture (regardless of whether or not our new AG is willing to admit it) and defending it on the grounds that "it worked".

Well, can I see the evidence?

Of course not. That's classified. State secret. Just be reassured that these people were bad men and deserved what they got and we can all sleep secure knowing good men will do whatever needs to be done to defend The Homeland.

Pardon me if I'm just a little doubtful, given the less-than-stellar track record these guys have assimilated over the last few years.

But what do I know? I'm stupid enough to think that there are indeed things that Are Wrong And Should Not Be Done, and making someone think they're being killed to get them to talk is one of them.

Willya WORK with us here, already?!

Shorter Robert Gates:

"Goddamnit, give us a reason to BOMB your asses already!

MANAMA, Bahrain (CNN) -- U.S. Defense Secretary Robert Gates has called on the international community to step up pressure on Iran to vow not to develop nuclear weapons, suspend uranium enrichment and open up its nuclear facilities for inspection.

Gates' address to a Gulf states' security conference Saturday came a day after Secretary of State Condoleezza Rice told reporters at a NATO meeting in Belgium that the United States will continue to push for a new U.N. resolution to pressure Iran to halt its nuclear program.

That's right, halt the nuclear program that has NOTHING to do with nuclear weapons, hasn't had anything to do with weapons since 2003, and possibly has had nothing to do with them period. But hey, it's got the word "nuclear" in it, so it's SCARY!

Gates sarcastically noted that Iran celebrated the U.S. intelligence community's recent report -- the National Intelligence Estimate -- that said Iran suspended its nuclear weapons program in 2003. He said it marks a "watershed" that "Iran has, for the first time, embraced as valid an assessment of the United States intelligence community -- on Iran's nuclear weapons program."

He said "since that government now acknowledges the quality of American intelligence assessments, I assume that it also will embrace as valid American intelligence assessments" that Iran is funding and training of militia groups in Iraq; deploying lethal weapons and technology to both Iraq and Afghanistan; supporting terrorist organizations -- like Hezbollah and Hamas -- that have murdered thousands of innocent civilians; and continued research and development of medium-range ballistic missiles that can carry weapons of mass destruction.

"In reality, you cannot pick and choose only the conclusions you like of this National Intelligence Estimate," Gates said.

Why the hell not? It's the kind of thing Bush has pioneered over the last seven years.

Meanwhile, over in Land Of A Thousand Dunces, "Insanity and Colmes" has Yosemite Bolton on to discuss the NIE (ooh, now THERE'S an impartial source!) and, mirable dictu, he says "DO NOT WANT":

BOLTON: Well, I think it would be, really, assuming the president was colossally foolish, if he really knew what this was going to say, to be saying things like about World War III. I think he was as blindsided by this report as many members of Congress who were briefed by the intelligence community last week and not told about this so-called suspension.

"assuming the president was colossally foolish"? Lord knows you couldn't do THAT.


HANNITY: One of the things that really stuck out and what you were writing here, talking about the mullahs in Iran. And you talk about it twice in the piece.

And that is that we have a problem interpreting what they are about and what their intentions really are, and you also say what their motives and objectives are.

BOLTON: That to me is the worst part of this intelligence estimate. They, they — It is policy masquerading as intelligence analysis, because they conclude if we just had more diplomatic engagement with the mullahs we would affect their behavior. There's no basis for that.

Ah, well! Negotiations can't POSSIBLY work; therefore the military option is the only one we can take! Heads we win, tails they lose! Whee!

And I see "Dr." Bolton has finally gotten that degree in nuclear physics:

BOLTON: To either get fuel to power reactors or to have nuclear weapons, you need enriched uranium. Different levels, but you need to enrich uranium. So every intelligence analyst would tell you, the long pole in the tent, in assessing how long it takes to get weapons, is enriching uranium...

HANNITY: And if they have that...

BOLTON: They're still doing it, building up an inventory.

Mind you, of course, there's a slight difference between enriching uranium to use in power production and to use in weapons. Power generation requires purity of (I believe) around 3%, which the Iranians claim to have achieved; weapons require around 98% purity, which they're still years away from. But hey, enrichment is enrichment, so bombs away!

We now return to your regularly scheduled programming

Uh! Take a week or so off from Teh Snark and next thing you know people are strapping road flares to themselves and taking hostages in Presidential campaign offices. (Why it couldn't have been a Ron Paul office, I dunno - neat stuff like that ever really happens, I guess :p)

And the Freepers are, of course, all over it like, well, like orange on Cheetos:

Poster "Thompson/Hunter 2008!" wrote: "Probably a man masquerading as a pissed off Republican. Upon further investigation, it will be found out the person is really a Hillary plant, trying to make Republicans look bad."

Oh, yeah, like they need any help with THAT, what with gratuitous racism, strapping dogs to car roofs, hanging out with criminals, gratuitous sexism, and being insane...


"Not to mention adopting wide stances!"

Poster "NautiNurse" wrote, "Attention seeking on an otherwise slow news day."

What, they couldn't find a blonde chick in New Hampshire to get kidnapped?

Poster "swain_forkbeard" wrote: "My first thoughts: it's staged, designed to draw attention in N.H. Maybe Hillary even has to rush there dramatically and resolve the situation. I doubt it's true, but there is her record."

You know, that last sentence is in English, but for the life of me I can't tell WHAT the hell it's supposed to mean. "Her record"? Uh?

Poster "Labyrinthos" quoted a previous post stating "I wonder what nutjob they paid to pull this stunt.... like all the people who they get to hang nooses to make people think conservatives are radical haters" and wrote: "Given the Obama surge of late, the Clintoons probably hired an African American guy named Barbarack Obaman."

Then there's this comment, which I can't make heads or tails of, period. Other than the whining about conservatives being viewed as "radical haters", which of course we all know is completely false.

Poster "jveritas" wrote: "Someone in Hillary Clinton campaign spread the lie that this happened in her campaign office thinking that this will generate sympathy to the most unlikeable and meanest Presidential candidate in modern time."

Ah. So the extensive news coverage of this happening in a Clinton campaign office was faked, I guess. Like the moon landings.

And the bestest comment of all:

Poster "sulu" replied to a comment he quoted as "I wouldn't be surprised if some rabid Clinton supporter pushed some whack job to do this" by writing: "I think you're right. My friends and are at work are saying that if it's a plant, they most likely threatened him to release photos or some such, and promised him he'd be okay. In real life, I think this guy will have to end up having his brains blown out. You watch. He won't be allowed to live. Mark my words. They couldn't leave him alive to talk. He will be dead soon."

Uh, yeah.

Meanwhile in the Real World, the guy is very much alive, has a long history of mental illness and various personal problems, and was merely trying to get someone to help him:

Eisenberg said he was a mental health patient who had been trying to get help. He'd been unsuccessful, he said, because he didn't have the "thousands of dollars" he was told he'd need.

He tried several mental health facilities, he said, "even called the Department of Health and Human Services." But no one could help him, he said.

Eisenberg was well-spoken, articulate and impassioned about his cause. But as the call continued, he became more agitated.

"I need to speak to Hillary Clinton," he said. "Something's got to change. Ordinary people need help" with their insurance.

(Well! I quite frankly think this is all Michael Moore's fault, obviously! If he hadn't made Sicko, who would have known there was a problem with health care in this country?)

I suppose at least we were spared the bog-standard squealing from the Malkins and LGFers about how this guy was obviously part of the slow-motion jihad or something.