DOUBLE-YOU TEA EFF.

So I'm in the car again yesterday, driving to work from the doctor's office, and I stop at a stoplight, turn my head left and there's this big-ass billboard for something called "Two If By Tea". And I'm thinking the guy in the picture looks 'way familiar - that smug doughy Republican look. Glennbeck, maybe. Then I see the signature - nope, it's The Pigman itself, Rush Limbaugh. Sellin' tea. In one of those goddamn 18th Century cosplay outfits that the wingnuts have grown to love recently. Eeyurgh, I think, and head home.

Cripes. It gets worse.

The Liberals are coming.
The Liberals are coming.

My good friend Paul Revere laid out the blueprint of how to deal with this. Sound the alarm! One if by land, Two If By Tea™!

Two If By Tea™ represents traditional American values of capitalism and the pursuit of excellence. Each bottle is designed to rise above the sameness and mediocrity that threatens our great nation. Just grab a 12-pack and join the fight to preserve the America we know and love. It's worth it!

Of course, using Palin Logic™, he's coming to warn the Liberals about the British taking our guns or something like that. (And never mind "my good friend Paul Revere". Cripes, what a vivid fantasy life this yahoo lives.)

But I mean - "sameness and mediocrity"? The HELL? Is the ready-made sweet tea world some kind of anti-meritocratic Harrison Bergeron nightmare? And WTF is so frickin' noble and uplifting anyway about a bottle of black tea with some flavoring in it? This is right up there with popping bubbles to disprove socialism. Has the GOP, once the party of people who actually TRIED to think, like William Buckley, become the Grand Old addlePates?

Our scientific panel of tasters has been working for years to develop the perfect recipe of tea – one that is fit for battle.

WOO-HOO! Aux les bouteilles de thé, citoyens! The revolution may not be televised, but it will be refreshing!

Developing and bringing Two If By Tea™ to market has been a unique American experience for all of us who worked on the project. We were all reminded of the blessings bestowed upon our country by our Founders and the Constitution, who fought to create and safeguard the fundamental values of a free society, knowing that it was limited government and belief in the greatness of the American people that established the concept of American Exceptionalism.

Christ, and here I thought to understand true patriotism and the promise of the American ideal you had to study history and contemplate about what the Revolution implied and argue the basic values of American society and do ALL THAT ICKY DIFFICULT THINKING. Oh, how glorious that Limbaugh has shown us the way to true patriotism - BUYING CRAP SOME CONSERVATIVE MADE. Woot.

While you’re at it, join me in drinking a bottle of my tea as we admire the great United States of America and the military and law enforcement officials who fight to defend our freedom every day. Thank God, yes God, for the blessings of life, liberty, the pursuit of happiness and of course, this wonderful drink - Two If By Tea™!

Yes, because of course in Wingnut America the military and law enforcement are the only things the government does right, or, in fact, should be allowed to do. Sure, our infrastructure is crumbling, corporations are running rampant, we're lurching closer and closer to economic crisis as Republicans whine about having to pay a pittance more than the pittance they grudgingly pay, there's a new environmental crisis every couple weeks, kids aren't getting educated, we're betraying all the principles we claim to hold dear every day in our foreign policy, BUT BY GOD we can throw people in jail and bomb the crap out of stuff like nobody else! U-S-A U-S-A U-S-A!!!

Oh, hey, by the way, Rush, God called. He says He doesn't want you to associate Him with this assbaggery (His words!) and you'll be hearing from His lawyers. (He then went on to mumble something about "kicking the shinola outta that DeMint clown" before slamming down the phone.)

Of course, they claim this has nothing to do with the Tea Party. Nope, nossiree, nothing at all. Just a coinky-dink. Nope, not like we're trying to forge a link between tea = patriotism, nope, nothing to see here, move along citizen. Nope, we're not going to allow looney liberals freedom to make comments about "that's what happened to all those teabags". Nope. Pure coincidence. (Oh, and the FAQ is worth checking out - all kindsa loonery about liberals being surprised they have to pay for something and selling online as opposed to in stores so as not to wipe out their competition and how Rush's wife came up with the idea on their wedding night and all sorts of the masturbatory smugness one expects from Limbaugh. Yech.)

And evidently Rush now calls himself "the Doctor Of Democracy". I CAN HAZ MALPRACTICE SUIT PLZ?