America, Yuck Feah!

Hey there, and welcome to yet another edition of "America: Stupidest Damn Nation On God's Grey Earth".

Exhibit 1:

Wal-Mart (WMT +2.38%) has wanted to be a financial player for a long time. And now, it just might get that opportunity.

The retailing giant is seeing new banking business from people fed up with Bank of America (BAC +1.24%) and other financial institutions. As banking customers close their accounts, Wal-Mart is there with some options.

If this continues, Wal-Mart could be on its way to becoming a mini-bank for some Americans. Perhaps that's one reason why the company's stock has been on a roll over the last month, rising 8% to $59.19 Tuesday.

The company offers check-cashing and bill-paying services, The New York Times reports. Customers can also wire money overseas and load money onto pre-paid debit cards. Often, the fees for these services are cheaper than what other companies charge.

The Times interviewed one factory worker in Pennsylvania who closed his bank account after dealing with one fee too many. He now takes his paychecks to Wal-Mart, where he can cash them for a flat $3 fee.

Derp, derp! Let's fight the 1% by... supporting the 1%. Whee! More money from Wal-Mart to go to conservative pro-business candidates who are the reason we're in this goddamn mess in the first place! Yes! Defeat the ogre of Bank Of America by cohabitating with the flesh-eating hag of Wal-Mart. Can't see how that could go wrong.

Exhibit 2:

DTE Energy has finished removing a majority of Highland Park's streetlights in a city-approved plan to pay off $4 million in lighting bills.

Mayor Hubert Yopp said Tuesday that he looked at crime statistics and felt the move was the best option for the city.

"We're trying to keep (costs) down so the taxpayers don't have to pay extra money," Yopp said.

Oh, how thoughtful. Street lights. Who needs a luxury like that in this time of austerity budgets? And don't worry about crime:

When asked about residents' safety, Yopp said that 90% of burglaries take place during the day when residents are away at work.

"Burglaries after dark are rare in Highland Park," he said. "That is not a lighting factor."

Oh, well! Of course, he isn't saying anything about the potential for unlit streets to factor into rapes, muggings, car theft, or suchlike crimes. But 90% of burglaries take place in daytime! See? See? Not a safety problem at all! Q.E.D.

Exhibit 3:

Mississippi voters head to the polls today to consider a radical anti-abortion measure that equates abortion with murder and would outlaw some forms of birth control, but Lt. Gov. Phil Bryant (R) warned yesterday that if the personhood amendment fails, “Satan wins.” “This is a battle of good and evil of Biblical proportions,” Bryant, who is also the GOP nominee for governor, told a crowd in Tupelo, Mississippi.

Well, thank god such a nut couldn't possibly get any more power in Mississippi.

Bryant is heavily favored to win the governor's race

Oh, shit. Mississippi Goddamn, indeed.

Exhibit 4:

All you folks whining about OWS "sitting around wanting government handouts" should probably be looking a bit further down Wall Street:

General Electric made big waves earlier in the year when The New York Times reported that the company paid no taxes in the U.S. in 2010, and in fact claimed a tax benefit of $3.2 billion.

How could a company that made $14.2 billion in profits worldwide avoid paying taxes? G.E. wasn’t the only one, according to a new report released on Thursday by the Citizens for Tax Justice and the Institute on Taxation and Economic Policy. The two advocacy groups, which could be fairly described as left-leaning, claim that among the 280 most profitable U.S. companies, 30 of them paid “less than zero” in taxes in the last three years, and 78 of the companies didn’t pay any federal income tax in at least one of the last three years.

The list of the big offenders is edifying - an assortment of power companies, financial companies, and telecommunications companies. You know - the ones who have hardly been struggling as of late; in fact, the ones who are reporting record profit after record profit. Which is, I guess, fucking easy to do when you're paying NEGATIVE taxes.

One might suggest that the dickheads of the "53% Movement" who want to piss and moan about paying taxes to support lazy socialists and welfare leeches might want to take a look at these companies - that is, if the 53%er douchenozzles weren't the type to defend Wells Fargo and GE and Verizon sucking in tax dollars on the grounds that yadda yadda can't punish success blurp blurp rich create jobs blah blah shut up that's why.

And that's all we have time for tonight! Tune in next time, when we once again prove we're The Stupidest Damn Nation On God's Grey Earth, by falling for the same goddamn bullshit we fell for last time!